Bill O'Reilly Sucks

Dear Mr. Crenshaw,

I've decided that I wasn't thrilled with how I started my very first post. I mean, if I was writing a novel, I'd try to think of something that just grabs you, something that forces you to turn the page. For instance, Peter Pan began:

All children, except one, grow up.

Yes, perfect! I was then reminded that I'm a 50 year old man stuck in a 20-something's body, so that was nixed. Perhaps:

Call me Ishmael.

I was also reminded my name wasn't--and still isn't-- Ishmael.

Call me Jonah.

Same problem.

It was during that brief moment of lucid clarity that I realized this was going to be harder than I thought.

My sentiments exactly.

So maybe the classics aren't the best for inspiration. Perhaps something more crude & basic would be appropriate and entertaining. So I turned to the crudest and most basic piece of writing that I could think of: Bill O'Reilly's (yep, that Bill O'Reilly) first and only attempt at a novel, called "Genital Warts and Me".

Actually, it was called "Those Who Trespass." And while two sentences ago I was thinking of reprinting some of it for you, upon a second review of the material I realized that family members might read this, and since the best parts of this book are poorly written depictions of awkward oral sex (one scene between a killer and an unknowing reporter, and another scene between a 15-year old-crack whore and her pimp ["Say baby, put that pipe down and get my pipe up."]) I've changed my mind.

Speaking of Bill O'Reilly, I implore you to read Al Franken's "Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them: A Fair and Balanced Look at the Right". Regardless of your political persuasion, it is easily one of the best books I've read in the last five years next to Malcolm Gladwell's "The Tipping Point".

So here I am 325 words later, a little older and a little wiser, still sans opening line. But really, what do you care? I doubt anyone reads this. I'm just writing something to avoid cleaning the apartment. So here it goes... rock n' roll... oh, and my lunch just arrived:

Call me David.