The True New Yorker

The true New Yorker secretly believes that people living anywhere else have to be, in some sense, kidding. -John Updike

Atkins on Judaism

You know what would be ironical? If Dr. Atkins ate bread for Passover.

From "the Onion" Headlines Dept.

A few great headlines from this week's "The Onion":

1. Heaven Less Opulent Than Vatican, Reports Disappointed Pope


2. Pope John Paul II, Longtime Owner of Popemobile, Dead At 84


3. Aw, Who'm I Kidding... I'll Never Top 21 Jump Street
   by Johnny Depp


4. Report: Cost of Living Now Outweighs Benefits
   

   "This is sobering news," said study director Jack Farness. "For the first time, we have statistical evidence of what we've suspected for the past 40 years: Life really isn't worth living."



5. Inside: Spring Fashions So Glamorous You'll Practically Shit Yourself


6. Finally, here's one of the best Onion articles ever (this one's not from this week). Read this, if only for the two headlines: Point-Counterpoint: Nigeria

Shabeena-Related Quotables

Shabeena: "My stupid computer is doing this thing... (describes computer problem)"
Colleague proceeds to literally punch the computer until the problem stops
Colleague: "You see: Fixing computers is a lot like raising kids. Punch them enough and they do what you want."
The things people say for shock value...

This next exchange was relayed to me by Shabeena, who happens to hold the same position in the company as Matt:
Matt: "It's my third day here. Who exactly do I report to?"
Shabeena: "Me, bitch."

Never Underestimate The Sneakiness, Sir

I work fairly closely with a guy named Dan, who has a habit of leaving his wallet on his desk. Today it fell, and upon picking it up, I noticed that besides his assorted credit cards and such there was just a single $20 bill. He had quickly run to the bathroom at the time, so I replaced the wallet to its place on his desk and walked away.

Two hours later, I stopped by, and in mid-conversation made an off-handed comment that I have this trick where I can guess the amount of money in someone's wallet merely by weighing it.

Incredulously, he hands me his wallet. I held it in my right hand, bouncing it up and down. I switched it to my left hand. Then back to the right hand. Then in both hands.

This ritual went on for about 20-30 seconds, and as I gave the wallet back to Dan, I confidently announce, "Twenty dollars!" Dan hesitated. He knew I was right, and he was clearly not prepared for such a low-ball guess. Then he shit himself.

Stuttering and stammering, he begged me to tell him how I just did that. I told him it's something I've been able to do all my life, just like Alex P. Keaton can hear the sound of change hitting the floor and can tell you what the coins are. This cracked Dan up, and thus achieved my goal of distracting him with my clever wit long enough for him to forget about how I just tricked him.

But this is why I like Dan. He got the reference immediately.

Here's some other interesting trivia about the hit series, Family Ties, thanks to IMDB:

• It was never revealed what the "P." in Alex P. Keaton stood for.


• Michael J. Fox added the "P." in Alex P. Keaton as an ad-lib in his audition, the writers loved it and kept it. Michael J. Fox almost didn't get the role of Alex - due to the fact that NBC exec Brandon Tartikoff didn't find it believable that Meredith Baxter Birney and Michael Gross would have a son that was so short.


• According to Michael J. Fox's last "Spin City" (1996) episode, Alex P. Keaton became a Junior Congressman from Ohio.


• One year before playing Michael J. Fox's father in Back to the Future, Crispin Glover played Alex P. Keaton's friend in the episode Birthday Boy.


• Tom Hanks played Elise Keaton's brother Ned.


• Throughout the series' run, exterior establishment shots of the Keaton home were never used in any of the episodes, which is very unusual for a family sitcom. The vast majority of all scenes were played out in the kitchen.


• The cast wanted to end the show with the entire Keaton family dying in a plane crash. They absolutely didn't want to do a reunion show in the future.

I miss the 80's...

I'm Stuck in Rehab with Pat O'Brien

Maybe this is only 15 minutes of fame for "Adam" at an "Undisclosed" rehabilitation center, but this is seriously funny stuff.

Plus, after hearing Pat O'Brien's voicemails, I guess he was kinda asking for it.

They're transubstantialiscious, baby!

Dick Vitale's Popapalooza 2005

What's better about this bracket?
a) That they actually have a Pope bracket
b) That it's sponsored by the new low-carb communion wafers called "I Can't Believe It's Not Jesus!"
c) The fact that DUKE is in the bracket as a 4 seed

Amazing.

Aaron Sorkin is a Genius (Part 1)

And now for one of the best movie monologues of the modern day ("Bob's problem isn't that he doesn't get it. Bob's problem is that he can't sell it!"):
The American President - President Shepherd's Address to the Press

Women in Heat

As we all know, females across many species have a period where they are known to be "in heat." Women specifically are more attracted to androstenone (a pheromone), symmetrical and masculine faces, and more attracted to the subject of sex.

Here's where it's funny:

The word for heat, Estrus, comes from a Greek word 'oistrus'
which means Gadfly. Literally, it means 'in a frenzied state' because when the gadflies would buzz around cattle, they would drive the cattle into a frenzied state which resembled the same state they go into when they wanted to mate.

So basically, when scientists refer to a woman in heat, they're comparing them to cows. Ha.
(Thanks to the-vu.com and Oxford Journals for that fun fact)

Liberal Radio Commercials

Air America needs a better variety of commercials. I heard the same ad for The West Wing DVD boxed set 4 times in 23 minutes. At the very least, they should have an ad for the "Tom DeLay Impeachment Fund" or something...

I guess it's to their credit that they really know their listeners! You don't exactly hear them hawking the 1st Season DVD set of The O'Reilly Factor.