On Cabs and Flatulence

After a crazy night on the town, I was taking a cab back to my apartment at around 2:30am.

Without warning, I farted. Loud. I mean, really loud. It's something about those upholstered seats...

I think I scared the crap out of the cab driver. He almost swerved out of his lane. I pretended to be asleep in the back seat.

The End.

Millionaire (Part Deux)

It's the night before my audition for "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?".

I've been staring at the screen for hours. They sent me an Audition Application that I need to complete and bring with me to the studio tomorrow, and all I've accomplished is managing to make myself feel supremely average right now. Let me show you the questions they ask for this application:

1. What would Meredith Vieira find most interesting about you?


2. What is the first thing you would do with one million dollars?


3. Complete this sentence – You’d never believe it but I…


4. I could be in the Guinness Book of World Records For?


5. What is it about you that the audience will find really compelling?


6. Anything else we should know about you?

Are they serious?? Unless you're an astonaut or the only male on the planet who's ever gotten pregnant, you're probably not that interesting. And now I'm forced to twist and turn every moderate truth about myself to appear worthy of televising. And if you didn't click on the Pregnant Man link at the beginning of this paragraph, you are missing out.

Granted, now that Millionaire has gone daytime, the bar is a lot lower. No offense, but you're sitting at home at 12:30 pm on a weekday watching TV. Are you really the arbiter of what's impressive?? The biggest issue of the day is whether to watch me answer trivia questions like a circus monkey dancing for peanuts, or tune in to "All My Children".

But let's get back to these hot-button questions. What in the world do you say for this stuff? I feel like if you're too sarcastic or funny (read: displaying personality) they won't even take you for the show.

For instance, I think Meredith Vieira would find me interesting because I have 4 nipples and once ate an entire box of tissues because they were making fun of me. Yeah, that's definitely "Millionaire" material. Somehow that might be too highbrow for the 12:30 viewers.

Right now all I think I've got on paper is a story about eating $20 worth of McDonalds, streaking up the steps of the Philadelphia Museum of Art in nothing but my sneakers, and getting mistaken for Tiger Woods in Mexico... for about 5 seconds.

The worst part is that I always make fun of the people on game shows like Jeopardy! who have really lame facts and stories. Which begs the question: how in the world did Ken Jennings think of something new to say for 74 episodes straight?! He's a mormon computer programmer!

A MORMON COMPUTER PROGRAMMER CANNOT BE MORE INTERESTING THAN ME!!!

Why couldn't I have done something really cool in my life, like invent the Piano Key necktie?

Ugh... this is way too hard. Note to self for the future: Be more freakin' interesting.

Oh, and eat fewer carbs.

Bush Photo of the Week

I found out soon after that this picture was photoshopped. Red the Drunk was actually about a foot further away (though not entirely respecting Dubya's personal space), and Blowjob McGee was actually standing face-to-face w/Bushy, handling his tie and not his wang.

Too bad. Fake or not, this still made me chuckle.

Oh, you want to see the original? Well, if you must... I guess it's only fair in the name of honest journalism:

Now with Lime!

When did soda companies decide that we now all want lime in our drinks?

I just tried Coca-Cola with Lime. It's not that great. It's not even much different than normal Coke. It just has a slightly more citrus-y after-taste. And a green plastic cap. With no sweepstakes underneath. Bastards.

First they put cherry in. Fine. Good. I think we're all okay with that, even if it is just repackaged Dr. Pepper after all.

Then they added vanilla. Alright...kind of out of the blue, but still tasty. Look, I had one friend growing up who actually asked for vanilla in his Coke. Only the nice restaurants would even do it. This wasn't bursting with mass-market appeal. Nowadays, half the stores don't even carry it. Hiring Chazz Palminteri as your spokesperson couldn't have helped. I'm not sure where I'm going with this.

Maybe Coke is just starting a conspiracy to monopolize every button on a vending machine. Now, instead of Coke, Sprite, Ginger Ale, and 4 varieties of Shasta that NOBODY EVER DRINKS, Coke feels the need to dominate every option.

I just took another swig of the bottle-- I didn't even taste lime that time. I think this whole thing is a psychological scam to sell more crap we never asked for.

At what point do the people rise as one to slay this monster before it does too much damage. Did we learn nothing from New Coke? You don't mess with the recipe. Now what does Coke do 25 years later? They mess with the recipe! Where does this stop?

Coke...with two scoops of raisins! Coke with BBQ sauce! Coke with Coke -- it's twice the Coke, in half the space!

Maybe they could appeal to the alcoholic demographic, since it's clear that the addition of lime juice is really a poor man's Coca-Cola Gimlet: Coke & Tonic, Coke w/Onions, Coke and Orange Juice (mmm...a coke screwdriver-- whatdya think that tastes like? If you said "ass", you would be correct). Or just give the people what they really want: Coke and Moonshine. Let's not half-ass this. If you want to add something to Coke, why not something that could make you go blind if you consume too much.

While we're on the topic, a green cap should only stand for one thing: Absinthe. There ya go, that's how you sell more cans. Two words: alleged hallucinogen.

Man, I'm just so full of good ideas...

Ed. Note: After re-reading all of this, I’m starting to think I need to reduce my intake of caffeinated beverages.

Did Something Go Bad?

Can someone explain how it is that my roommate and I mop the floors, dust the counters, clean the dishes, shine the mirrors, vacuum the carpets, and wash the sheets...

...yet the apartment smells like old food and the trash compactor room smells like vanilla & flowers?

Batman Watches Me Through My Window

A few weeks ago, to promote the release of Batman Begins, some ad agency put up a city-block-long billboard up across the street from my apartment. It's gigantic. Literally, it stretches across an entire city block:

View of the Block

Besides the fact that it destroys our view and prevents me from seeing if anyone is working in the offices across the street (which determines whether I should close my blinds while I do naked yoga), the fact is that there's a huge Batman head looking in my window. It's chilling.

Skeptical? Imagine this: there you are working on your computer, spending a perfectly nice evening shopping on Amazon.com for the latest Ben Folds CD and perhaps a new spatula, when-- HOLY SCARY PEEPING TOM! BATMAN IS LOOKING THROUGH MY FUCKING WINDOW!!!

This is chilling...

It's not funny. Granted, you get used to the billboard's intrusive presence. But around dusk things get darker, and your pupils begin to dilate thus narrowing your peripheral vision (and the level of detail in what you still can see). And there's still that brief moment between first seeing the silhouette of a head looking in your window and recognizing that it's just a picture of Christian Bale.

And I'll be damned if that brief moment doesn't cause me to soil myself.

Sometimes I want to sneak over there and spray paint the whole billboard black, but the sense of irony that Batman's presence forced me into a life of crime is so overwhelming that I return to searching for the elusive spatula on Amazon.

Blast you, Batman! You'll rue the day you crossed me! Muah ha ha ha!!! MUAH HA HA HA!!!!