The End of the Affair

Dear Dell,

After over a decade-long, faithful relationship, how dare you betray me like this?

In the summer of 2004 I spent way too much money to buy a new computer. A computer that would be blazing fast; a computer whose obscolescence should be measured in light years; a computer that could blow someone's clothes off from 30 feet away.

And I succeeded. That computer became my powerhouse. I managed my life through that machine. I kept all of my finances, archived letters, Photoshopped like crazy, made a few short movies, maintained my 60GB MP3 collection, and constructed a family tree more than 300 people deep.

Then, upon returning from a January weekend in Vegas, tragedy struck: my hard drive crashed. All 320GB of it. Dell told me that, while this is an anomaly, the best they can do is replace the drives. That's it. That's. It. No thanks for being a loyal and lucrative customer for over a decade. No appreciation that we've spoon-fed them referrals more times than they deserve. Nothing.

Needless to say, Dell was on the receiving end of a catharsis that encompassed a whole lot more frustration and fury than this single incident could have caused. Those people were suffering as a result of anyone who had ever upset me. They were paying for more than a hard drive crash. They were paying for all of it. J the bully in middle school, the rock that L kicked at my head in camp, D getting me in trouble with his parents, for W. ruining my country.

All of it.

I think I made one service associate cry, and I came close to verbally raping a rep in Bangalore through the phone. Lucky for him:

1. I'm too cheap to pay for a flight to India.
2. I'm not huge on that whole "rape" thing.
3. I might have still been on the phone with an automated message.

"For sales, press 1. For service, press 2. To make empty threats towards an innocent party, press 3, or stay on the line and someone will instigate you until you snap."

After about 6 weeks, I had recovered enough of my past through random backups, email attachments, hacking my iPod, and a timely synchronization with my PDA, that I had a semblance of what I lost. By summer, it was a non-issue. What I lost was gone, and a great majority was back as it was. I didn't give it another thought.

Okay, I did fortunately give it ONE thought. And that thought manifested itself as a 300GB external backup drive to make sure I was never dealt this kind of loss again. Plus, Dell guaranteed that this almost never happens to anyone, ever, so lighting couldn't possibly strike twice.

************

307 days.

307 days is the answer to the question, "How long does it take for lighting to strike twice?"

Dell, you miserable, wretched beast.

For the second time in 10 months-- 10 MONTHS!!!-- my whole computer has crashed. Heads are gonna roll. Yes, I realize I'm still able to post-- I still have a work laptop, thank goodness. I swear I either have the worst luck ever, or the gnomes in my closet have punk'd me again. And if it's the gnomes, I'm throwing them out on their asses. They shant punk me thrice.

As for you, Dell -- drop dead. Or send me tons of free crap to keep me quiet. Otherwise, I hate you forever.

Thanks for your time!

Sincerely,
Me