It's the night before my audition for "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?".
I've been staring at the screen for hours. They sent me an Audition Application that I need to complete and bring with me to the studio tomorrow, and all I've accomplished is managing to make myself feel supremely average right now. Let me show you the questions they ask for this application:
- What would Meredith Vieira find most interesting about you?
- What is the first thing you would do with one million dollars?
- Complete this sentence – You’d never believe it but I…
- I could be in the Guinness Book of World Records For?
- What is it about you that the audience will find really compelling?
- Anything else we should know about you?
Are they serious?? Unless you're an astonaut or the only male on the planet who's ever gotten pregnant, you're probably not that interesting. And now I'm forced to twist and turn every moderate truth about myself to appear worthy of televising. And if you didn't click on the Pregnant Man link at the beginning of this paragraph, you are missing out.
Granted, now that Millionaire has gone daytime, the bar is a lot lower. No offense, but you're sitting at home at 12:30 pm on a weekday watching TV. Are you really the arbiter of what's impressive?? The biggest issue of the day is whether to watch me answer trivia questions like a circus monkey dancing for peanuts, or tune in to "All My Children".
But let's get back to these hot-button questions. What in the world do you say for this stuff? I feel like if you're too sarcastic or funny (read: displaying personality) they won't even take you for the show.
For instance, I think Meredith Vieira would find me interesting because I have 4 nipples and once ate an entire box of tissues because they were making fun of me. Yeah, that's definitely "Millionaire" material. Somehow that might be too highbrow for the 12:30 viewers.
Right now all I think I've got on paper is a story about eating $20 worth of McDonalds, streaking up the steps of the Philadelphia Museum of Art in nothing but my sneakers, and getting mistaken for Tiger Woods in Mexico... for about 5 seconds.
The worst part is that I always make fun of the people on game shows like Jeopardy! who have really lame facts and stories. Which begs the question: how in the world did Ken Jennings think of something new to say for 74 episodes straight?! He's a mormon computer programmer!
A MORMON COMPUTER PROGRAMMER CANNOT BE MORE INTERESTING THAN ME!!!
Why couldn't I have done something really cool in my life, like invent the Piano Key necktie?
Ugh... this is way too hard. Note to self for the future: Be more freakin' interesting.
Oh, and eat fewer carbs.
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