...And Gives You Hairy Palms Too

Around the globe, young adolescent boys are petrified because of this.

You Have Died of Dysentery

Firing 20 times, you shot 1256 pounds of game and were able to carry 188 pounds of it back to your wagon. If you continue to hunt in this area, game will become scarce.

Caulk the wagon and float across or ford the river?
(FORD THE RIVER.)

Timmy has typhoid fever.

Timmy has died.

I wish I was 9 again...however I am now old enough to really travel to Walla Walla Washington...

Italian: A Beginner's Guide

As I finish up packing for Italy, I asked Arielle to throw together a few important phrases that she thinks I'll need for my trip. Here's what she came up with, and here's why she's one of my favorite people:

ITALIAN: A BEGINNER'S GUIDE

“If you’re gonna spew, spew in this.” Se pensi di sboccare, sbocca qua.”

“No, I think you look fantastic in Spandex. Really.” No, penso che i pantaloni di lycra ti stanno molto bene. Juro.

“Excuse me, but I think you just dropped this condom.” Mi scusi, ma penso che lei ha perso questo preservativo.

“Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” Ti ha fatto male quando sei cascata dal paradiso?

"If it weren't for my horse, I never would have made it through that last year of college": Se non fosse stato per il mio cavallo, non avrei mai finito l'ultimo anno di università.

“You make me feel like a natural woman.” Mi rendi una donna naturale.

“Excuse me, but where do all the high school girls hang out?” Mi scusi, ma dove posso incontrare raggazze del liceo?

“Are there any U2 tickets left? I’d be willing to sell my mother.” Avresti altri biglietti per il concerto dei U2? Sarei disposto a vendere mia mamma.

“Where can I get a shot of tequila for 1 Euro?” Esiste un bar dove posso comprare un tequila per solo un euro?”

“Do you sell midgets?” Vendete nani?

“You are in the situation room.” Sei nella stanza di situazione.

“The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire.” Il tetto, il tetto, il tetto è sotto fuoco.

“Could you please put him/her through to my voicemail.” Potresti trasferire la chiamata alla mia segreteria telefonica?

“Personally, I am of the belief that there have been enough bad movie versions of Jane Austen’s Pride & Prejudice.” Personalmente, ritengo che ci sono stati abbastanza difettose versioni film di “Orgoglio e Prejudizio” di Jane Austen.

“Good luck with those rape allegations.” Buona fortuna con quelle allegazioni di violenza.

“I’ve had better.” Ho avuto di migliore.

“My dog has severe flatulence. Might you prescribe him some medication?” Il mio cane scoreggia sempre. Potresti darlo delle medicine?

Stone's Throw from Porn

PORNOGRAPHY!!!

Do I have your attention?

According to the October 6-12 issue of Time Out New York, I'm within about 300 feet of two of their eight top-rated neighborhood sex stores in all of New York City. I can only imagine how thrilled my family is about my apartment choice.

Here are a few select excerpts from my local sex shops:
Most succinct title: Big Piss, Volume 1 ($29.99)
Come here if: You're looking for that '70's wood-paneling vibe and you don't mind an odd hint of vinegar in the air.
Most potentially painful item: The Fist Dildo ($24.99)

Mind you, I subscribe to TONY for the restaurant reviews and bar recommendations. Instead I'm told the most disturbing video at Pleasure Video is called "Animal Porn: Eels", and the item with the most versimilitude is the Uncut Foreskin Realistic Cock dildo ($38.99)?? Great, now they just need some vaseline and a dictionary!

And isn't $38.99 a rip off? Personally, I'd wait for that baby to hit the discount rack, and then I imagine those things just sell themselves!

p.s. I feel dirty just writing about this

A Korean Delicacy

Two weeks ago I went with some people from the office to lunch at Kang Suh Korean BBQ in Koreatown. Certainly one of the highlights of the meal was our discovering a particular item on the menu: Gaejang & Doenjang Jigae.

I’m told it’s quite a dish, and for only $15.95, it’s definitely nothing to poo-poo at:

There's a flavor here I just can't put my finger on. Is it...is it nutmeg??

Unfortunately, nobody ordered it, so I don't know what actually ends up on your plate.

My Hands Go Well with Pancakes & Waffles

Why does my left hand smell like maple syrup right now? I haven't had syrup in months. I didn't even eat breakfast this morning.

You think it's funny, but seriously, it smells like i just slapped Aunt Jemima in the face.

Who Wants to Touch Me?

Let me tell you how famous I am.

I recently found out that Jen Garrett, loyal Red Sox fan and Barq's Red Crème Soda drinker, was beginning a quest: to read and discuss a new blog everyday for a month. Now my first reaction was, "I've been right all along, Red Sox fans are crazy."

But then again, Barq's is really good, and decided to read a few posts and see what she had to say. I was impressed with her diverse picks, so on a whim, I dropped her a note telling her about NYDenizen, with the caveat that I'm new at this, and really have no idea how to blog or what to say when I do. Frankly, I don't even speak English-- these posts are directly lifted from my English-Namibian, Namibian-English dictionary and accompanying common phrases.

Needless to say, I was both extremely surprised and quite honored that she chose NYDenizen as her pick for September 10th! Woo-hoo!! Validation!! Or perhaps just evidence that she couldn't find anything about the Red Sox that day. The title of the post was "The One Where She Finally Loses Her Mind", so I can't dismiss my theory that Red Sox fans are, in fact, nuts.

I do however appreciate that she was willing to overlook the divisiveness of our baseball allegiances (have I mentioned I'm a big Yankees fan?), for the sake of...something. I mean, the last blog she discussed before mine was about a guy who came out to his wife at 48! You're telling me I've got to follow that?? This guy is going through gut-wrenching and constant emotional turmoil; I, on the other hand, make fun of Bush and tell stories about my farts. Well done, Jen Garrett, well done.

Karma does work in strange ways though. The day after Jen wrote about NYDenizen and how her Sox beat my Yankees, the Yanks struck back for a big win today, getting us that much closer to the AL East title. This was a nice treat to help get some New Yorkers' minds off the stigma of today's date, though just a small condolence.

In the end, this shout-out definitely made my day. Jen, however, is convinced that she could easily turn me into a Red Sox fan-- in 20 minutes, no less. Jen, I really appreciate your bringing my blog into the limelight and everything, but you'd have a better chance of making that 48-year-old guy dig chicks. You have been enormously helpful though: I finally have proof that Red Sox fans are, in fact, totally fucking wrong.

Home is Where Wings Take Dream

My friend Matt, a staunch Republican, sent me this video today. I think it solidifies the suspicions we have about our President, and his "use" of the English language.

Only 1229 days, 23 hours, and 42 minutes until we are rid of this "intellectual".
(Thank you to The Bush Countdown Clock for this handy bit of info)

Got a Little (hic) Captain In Ya?

Have you seen these commercials for Captain Morgan's Original Spiced Rum? It's the 30-second spot where they show a bunch of average people in average situations, posing just like the Captain Morgan cartoon on the bottle's label: Hand on the waist, chest puffed out, left leg is hoisted up.

It's a weird commercial. But it gets weirder when the slogan appears: "Got a little Captain in ya?"

Is it me, or are they asking if you literally have Captain Morgan's rum in you, like, now? Next time you watch it, keep that in mind. If it helps, say the words "...and I've just been guzzling rum!" every time the commercial presents a new person in a new situation.

• I'm going through an airport security checkpoint...and I've just been guzzling rum!
• I'm cooking in kitchen in the middle of the day...and I've just been guzzling rum!
• I'm getting a check-up at the doctor...and I've just been guzzling rum!

And it keeps on going. One guy is shown fixing the IT in a corporate server room. Another is working in the stacks of a library. Yet another is shown about to start examining some guy's mouth at a dentist's office.

I've gotta ask-- is this a commercial for recreational drinking, or just a promotion for alcoholism? Are any of these situations ones where you think to yourself, "Sure, this is fine, but man I should be DRUNK!"

These are people at their jobs, mainly in the service industry. How does this sell more liquor?

What this commercial teaches me is that, according to Captain Morgan, life would be better if I was tanked by noon. Well thanks, Captain, but I don't need a commercial to learn that. I could have just asked the bum outside my building for his strategy to success.

I think that if C.M. is gonna advocate my bum's lifestyle, then the new C.M. labels should show the Captain lying in the crevice between two buildings, curled up under a bunch of newspapers, in a puddle of his own urine, with a bottle of rum in his hand.

Don't worry-- we'll make sure the bottle is Captain Morgan's brand, just so everyone knows HE has a little Captain in him.

Insects and New York Real Estate

My building is fairly bug-free, but that's because cockroaches aren't allowed to enter without a broker.

I.D. and the Unintelligent Debate (Update)

As a follow up to my post on Intelligent Design & Creationism., here's an even better article on the evolution "debate", which was published in The New York Times earlier this week. It makes a really fantastic argument of shooting down ID&C.

Link

You Picked This Over a New Lexus?

Here's one way to spend $45,000 really quick.

I Didn't Know "Jewish Idiot" was Spelled with a Silent "Y" Either

An except from last night's conversation between my friend, Michelle, and the random dude who was hitting on her:

Michelle: Oh, you're Jewish? Do you keep kosher?
Guy: Well, outside of the house I don't. I'd say I'm "SK".
Michelle: "SK"?
Guy: Yeah, you know, "pseudo-kosher".

--Pop Burger, 14th St. & 9th Ave.

Then he asked for her number.

He Really Does Grammar Good

From today's BOLDFACE, by Campbell Robertson (New York Times):

...We also asked why [Michael Ian Black] was wearing women's clothing in his few scenes in "The Baxter." Mr. Black replied that he often wore his wife's clothing, like her dungarees, though he added that the jeans were very tight and that he had to use certain special effects in certain areas to convey a virile image.

"I have a reputation to create," he said.

You have to keep in mind, we said, this is The New York Times.

"Oh, right. I have a reputation whom to create. Is that right?"

...And That's Why My Ass is Sore

Note to self: The speed cycling class at your gym is the devil.

25 young women made me look really out of shape tonight.

I think...yeah, I'm gonna cry.

Soundtrack for Walking

Do you ever find yourself walking down the street listening to music, and a song comes on that's perfect for your walking situation? I mean, the beat matches your strides, you keep pace with the rhythm, it's upbeat. If this was a scene from a movie, the song that's playing would be exactly the track you'd use when you scored the film. It's a "life soundtrack" moment.

Think about when The Who's "Baba O'Reilly (Teenage Wasteland)" started playing while Kevin Spacey was jogging in American Beauty.

(By the way, if you have made it this far in, and have no idea what I'm talking about, you should probably stop reading now. Clearly you'll never get it, and you probably have no imagination whatsoever. I'm sorry for you. Moving along...)

A common topic among technology journalists over the last couple of years has been the intelligence programmed into an iPod's auto-shuffle mode. Apple refuses to discuss the algorithm, but for those of you who own iPods, a question has probably crossed your mind. How does the iPod pick the songs it plays?? Some iPod listeners have gone so far to suggest a psychic element to the devices, or at least that it has a primitive brain. Well, that's ridiculous. But sometimes you gotta wonder; sometimes the music is just too perfect.

Today was one of those "life soundtrack" moments. As I walked home from work down 6th Avenue, steady pace, smoothly slaloming between pedestrians (busy taking touristy snapshots of the ESB or who are just standing idly because they're homeless and crazy), my iPod finally frightened me with its talent.

First came the funk. That recognizable intro. "Play that Funky Music (White Boy)" came on, and it was good. Yes, I have "Play that Funky Music" in my music collection. Needless to say, I was incredibly pleased with this serendipitous choice of music. Let me put it this way: If you've ever experienced PtFM while strolling down the street, it's like watching Travolta strut down the sidewalk in Saturday Night Fever. There's soul. There's a hop in your step.

This was good walking music. You couldn't find a song any better than this, right? I mean, right?

****

The iPod has a brain. It has a brain. There is no way a simple electronic device could pull this off. I have 4,000+ songs on my iPod, and yet it looked into its soul (yes, I'm flipping sides, this thing definitely has a soul...and complete self-awareness too, for that matter) and tried to figure out if it could somehow out-do itself.

It did.

5 seconds before PFM ended, it began to cross-fade to the next track. Suddenly, in came that familiar drum intro and a distinctive high-hat. Then, boom, in comes the bass with a funky 70's twang.

Ve-ry su-per-stitiouuuuussss....
Writing's on the waaaallllllllll,
Ve-ry su-per-stitiouuuuussss....
Ladder's 'bout to fall
Thirteen month old ba-by, broke the lookin’ glass
Seven years of bad luck, the good things in your past.

Stevie Wonder. Superstition. One of the finest songs of any generation. iPod, you have made my day. And I am a true believer.

When you believe in things that you don’t understand,
Then you suffer,
Superstition ain’t the waaaaayyyyy...

I.D. and the Unintelligent Debate

Verlyn Klinkenborg had an excellent editorial in the New York Times today that is one of the best syntheses I've read in recent time about the "evolution discussion." Rather than try to synopsize her thoughts, just have a read from the source.

My hope is that this issue will die quickly so that people can move on to discussions that help us move forward as a culture. For now, people have chosen to reawaken a medieval debate about a campaign that doesn't deserve to be called "a theory."

A scientific hypothesis that survives experimental testing becomes a scientific theory.

Intelligent Design and Creationism are not scientific, nor are they theories. ID&C (which are one and the same in essence) are as much a science as alchemy is. An insubstantial attack on a well-tested theory does not implicitly deem the attack scientific. It does not even make it credible.

I hestitate to quote a comedian, but I think Bill Maher hit the nail right on the head Friday night when he said:

The reason there is no real debate is that Intelligent Design isn't real science. It's the equivalent of saying that the Thermos keeps hot things hot and cold things cold because it's a god... Stupidity isn't a form of knowing things..."Babies comes from storks" is not a competing school of thought in medical school. We shouldn't teach both; the media shouldn't equate both.

This should not become a war of beliefs, nor should this be a battle of religions. Whether you believe in science should not preclude you from finding comfort and peace in religion. However, the fact that 45% of this country chooses to ignore tested and established theories of Earth's age (4.5 billion years old) in favor of the Bible (which says Earth is less than 10,000 years old) frightens me dearly. We are rejecting testable knowledge in favor of a claim that has no proof. There is no proof.

With each generation, cultures amend their collective knowledge with a revised--and hopefully improved--set of facts and conclusions. Even the apparently immutable Catholic Church has changed its mind on positions. As scary and disturbing as it might be for some, science has helped generate new information that can lead to these position changes.

Over time, people have allowed the strongest explanations of our existence on this planet to drive our understanding of the universe. Now an emboldened few are trying to convince the vulnerable masses otherwise. And they are not supplying us with the second strongest theory, or the third strongest.

Instead, the so-called "alternative" they provide is untestable, unreliable, and truly unscientific. That so many are giving this movement its chance to destroy our education and our science is simply unbelievable.

Promoting My Friends

Here's a little shout out for two friends that have managed to make their way into the public eye in the last few weeks:

First, Ms. Mallory Stuchin. Mallory has proven her mettle writting about what the French refer to as "doin' it". Sorry, my mistake; the French actually call it "Le Doin' It."

Yes, it's about making sweet, sweet love. I'm not even talking Barry Manilow sex. I'm talkin' Barry White sex. In the laundry room. In a college dorm. Freshman year. Hopefully using a rubber. Cuz it's nasty in the laundry room.

No I mean it. It's really nasty down there, what with lint and detergent puddles everywhere. At least I think that's detergent...

I'm also a fan of the article because Mal's picture is from my birthday party. So like, if this article leads to book deals, fame, and fortune, well then I'm just saying I wouldn't be averse to being taken out for a nice dinner or given a Maserati or something.

Mallory, you're a real-life Carrie Bradshaw (with a better nose) and have shown true potential here. Keep up the good work. Friends tell me that they're more than willing to help in your research for future articles. On that note, allow me to deeply apologize to Blake, a dear friend and Mallory's older brother, who likely will want to kill me for putting his sister and sex in the same thought.

By the way, Mallory's 8-years-old.

(Sidebar: Mallory's not really 8-years-old. I was just trying to upset the prudes who frown upon sex with minors.)

The next person I'd like to call up to light a candle is my Poppy Murray-- no wait, he cut the challah. So, I guess instead, let's talk a bit about Ms. Risa Needleman.

Risa opened her first art gallery last Friday night, and it was stupendous. Presented by The Risa Needleman Gallery, it focuses on diverse works of contemporary Latin American art. There's really some interesting, beautiful work, so I recommend swinging by her show at 186 Orchard Street (at Shimna) before it ends on September 3rd. Risa will be the one napping on the couch when you walk in. Only disturb her if you plan on buying something.

Speaking Of Thrusting

When journalists queried Egoyan about the movie's possible ratings difficulties at a media luncheon at the Cannes Film Festival, the director said:

"I guess I'm naive. I really had no idea it would be a problem. I just heard the deciding factor could be thrusting. Apparently, anything over three thrusts and you're in trouble. Well, nobody told me. I didn't even do covering shots, so there's nothing I can cut away to. This is what you get."

Link

Everything Ends

Did anyone else watch the finale to Six Feet Under? That was a lot harder than I thought it would be...