Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?

To anticipate the publication of my 101 List (stay tuned for that, it's gonna be awesome), I've decided to try to tackle a major item:

Try Out for a Game Show

Well, I submitted an application a couple of days ago to the hit show, "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?", and sure enough, today I got an email from the show telling me that I've qualified for an audition. This by no means guarantees that I'll be on the show. Not even close.

What this does mean is that sometime in June I'll be visiting their offices for a written test and an interview. That is the audition. Should I pass their tests, then I'm "on call".

To actually get on TV and play (come on, best Regis voice you've got:) "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?!", the following needs to happen, in this order:

• I need to pass my audition
• They need to call me
• I need to be available for the day they specify
• I cannot be hit (hard) by a car on the way to the studio, thus incapacitating me or disfiguring me into something too ugly for TV
• They need to select me for the group of contestants
• I need to play "Fastest Finger"
• I need to win "Fastest Finger"
• I need to stay conscious long enough to walk to "The Hot Seat"
• I need to stay conscious while in "The Hot Seat"
• I need to NOT vomit on Regis because I'm so excited

So, pending completion of this list, and assuming no acts of God hit Manhattan a la The Day After Tomorrow until after this is all over, we'll see what happens. I can't get too crazy yet.

But I'm gonna do this. And yes, that's my final answer.

Working at 1.21 Gigawatts!

Great Scott!

Is it weird that I just typed "$1885" into a PowerPoint deck and my mind immediately thought of Back to the Future III?

"It's from the Doc!! He's alive!! The Doc's ALIVE!!"

Get Thee To a CD Store

This is a very simple command: Buy the Marc Broussard CD. It's called Carencro.

"Best CD of 2005!" -me

Rarely have I found an album so consistently strong across every track. I had first heard "Come Around" through iTunes' "Free Song of the Week", and after listening to it for the 50th time in a row, I decided to see if the rest of his music was as amazing.

Yes, it is.

Every song stays with you (Home, Rocksteady, Lonely Night in Georgia). The album is incredibly eclectic, which further adds to its charm. When was the last time you heard me give such a resounding endorsement for a CD?

I think I should be getting a kickback from Marc or his label for this kind of promotion. Do you know how hard it is to sign me for endorsement deals???

The album's like $9.99 at Best Buy or something ridiculously cheap. And oh, I just checked, and it's $9.98 on Amazon! Hot damn!

If that doesn't sell you, how's this-- I gave a copy to my cousin Jaime and she loves it too. There, now I know you're sold. So don't be a communist, buy this CD. You'll thank me later.

Dancing the Fallujah Jig

Two weekends ago I was down in Washington D.C. for my cousin's wedding. It was lovely, thanks for asking.

Jews in a church, a remarkably disproportionate number of attendees who were taller than 6'6", what's not to like?? It was like "Keeping the Faith" meets the NBA, but with less Ben Stiller-like schlubiness and more college degrees.

The best part occurred about halfway through the reception, as my uncle and I stood just off of the dance floor. We were talking about nothing, when out of nowhere, my uncle perks up, points towards the crowd and declares:

"You know this is a great party-- Hans Blix is getting down!!"

And no joke, there Blixxy was, bustin' loose to the oldies. It made my month.

The Cold on a Warm Day

My sinuses have been taken hostage. I'm in the process of negotiating a release in exchange for some DayQuil. Prospects look grim.

I tried stopping at Whole Foods for some cold medicine. They didn't have any brand name stuff. The only thing resembling a "Quil" was something green called "Umcka" Cold Care. I really like this product. Not because it has a higher alcohol content than normal cold medicine, and not because it's completely useless in actually relieving symptoms.

It's the name.

Think about it: an entire line of pharmaceuticals named after a sound you make when you've got that affliction! You can't tell me you don't make a sound like "UMCKA!" when clearing the phlegm from your throat.

Think about the possibilities:

• An antacid called "Burrp"
• A laxative called "Pfthpt"
• An erectile dysfunction drug called "I...ah...(sigh)...I'm sorry, I just...no, no, I love you...this is my fault...of course you look beautiful...no, Honey, I don't know why I bought the herbal alternative... yes, yes, I'll definitely buy the brand name one next time...oh wait Honey I think it's bac-- no, never mind, false alarm...yes, I suppose you can just go to sleep now, this just isn't happening...(sigh)..."

All coming soon from Nature's Way.

Time to return to work and not breathing.

The Bluth Family Lives!

Brett Pearlman just made my week.

As some of you know, I'm a giant Arrested Development fan. As some of those people know, I've been fanatically hoping that FOX would reverse their plan to not renew A.D., effectively canceling it like Jack & Bobby (bet you haven't heard that one was cancelled, huh?). Kinda reminds me of Family Guy's first episode this season:

Peter: "Everybody I've got bad news. We've been cancelled."
Lois: "Oh no Peter! How could they do that?"
Peter: "Well unfortunately Lois, there's just no more room on the schedule. We just gotta accept the fact that FOX has to make room for terrific shows like Dark Angel, Titus, Undeclared, Action, That 80's Show, Wonder Falls, Fast Lane, Andy Richter Controls The Universe, Skin, Girl's Club, Cracking Up, The Pitts, Firefly, Get Real, Freaky Links, Wanda At Large, Costello, The Lone Gunman, A Minute with Stan Hooper, Normal Ohio, Pasadena, Harsh Realm, Keen Eddy, The Street, American Embassy, Cedric The Entertainer, The Tick, Louie, And Greg The Bunny...."
Lois: "Is there no hope?"
Peter: "Well I suppose if ALL those shows go down the tubes we might have a shot."

Well folks, I speak to you reinvigorated: Arrested Development is coming back!!! There is a heartbeat. There is no flatline. And there may be twins. Just look:

http://www.eonline.com/Gossip/Kristin/Archive2005/050513.html.com/

Holy crap, I'm so full of joy right now.

That's right-- FOX is not only signing the contracts to have A.D. come back for another full 22-episode season, but they're doing it twice-- TWO seasons, 44 episodes, new time slot, and guaranteeing syndication and a few more DVD boxed sets. I'm bursting, Jerry! I'm bursting!

I'm gonna fall asleep with a smile on my face tonight. An A.D. party at my place is a possibility. So is doing G.O.B.'s chicken dance for hours on end. Stay tuned...

Triskaidekaphobia

Word of the Day for Friday May 13, 2005

triskaidekaphobia \tris-ky-dek-uh-FOH-bee-uh\, noun:
A morbid fear of the number 13 or the date Friday the 13th.

Thirteen people, pledged to eliminate triskaidekaphobia, fear of the number 13, today tried to reassure American sufferers by renting a 13 ft plot of land in Brooklyn for 13 cents . . . a month.--Daily Telegraph, January 14, 1967

Past disasters linked to the number 13 hardly help triskaidekaphobics overcome their affliction. The most famous is the Apollo 13 mission, launched on April 11, 1970 (the sum of 4, 11 and 70 equals 85 - which when added together comes to 13), from Pad 39 (three times 13) at 13:13 local time, and struck by an explosion on April 13.

--"It's just bad luck that the 13th is so often a Friday," Electronic Telegraph, September 8, 1996

Some famous triskaidekaphobes:
Napoleon
Herbert Hoover
Mark Twain
Richard Wagner
Franklin Roosevelt

There are many theories about the origin of triskaidekaphobia. In medieval Christian countries the number 13 came to be considered unlucky because there were 13 persons at the Last Supper of Christ. Fridays are also unlucky, because the Crucifixion was on a Friday. Hence a Friday falling on the thirteenth day would be regarded as especially unlucky.

Triskaidekaphobia is a fairly new word (first found in print in 1911) formed from Greek treiskaideka, triskaideka, "thirteen" (treis, "three" + kai, "and" + deka, "ten") + phobos, "fear." The adjective form is triskaidekaphobic. One who fears the number 13 is a triskaidekaphobe or triskaidekaphobic.

Um, it's a belt?

It's described at the most technically advanced piece of clothing since Hypercolor t-shirts. And that's saying a lot:

http://www.scrollingbuckle.com/

Be the hit of the party at your next Star Trek convention!! Make sure you watch the movie on the website of the text scrolling. My cousin says that if this becomes a real NY fashion trend, he's moving out of the city.

POLL (of anyone who reads this):
What is the best thing this belt could say? Feel free to describe both the message, and perhaps the scene it would be funniest.

For instance, imagine your physician's surprise when he walks into your examining room, only to find you sitting there buck naked with this belt on that reads, "No, YOU cough." Hilarity will ensue, or your $29.99 back.

Less Than Star Struck in an Elevator

So I think Adam Mesh lives in my building. Yes, that Adam Mesh, who was famous for a couple of days during his stint on TV where he played two characters:

First, on Average Joe, he played the part of the homely everyman competing for the heart of a beautiful woman who surprised America by choosing a hunk instead.

Then he decided he wanted to show his range as a TV icon, so he became the center of attention on Average Joe 3: Adam Returns, a homely everyman surrounded by fans that are only there because now he's famous. From this group of all-stars, he will chose the love of his life from this artificial environment filled with women performing artificial displays of affection by rubbing their artificial bodies all over him as they hope to score some very real cash.

Hmm, let's see. You just get burned on national television because someone managed to sell NBC on the idea that they could make a show about how, when given the choice, hot women will hook up with hot men. Wow! And now what do you do for an encore? You do it again to other sweet, young women! How does any contestant for Average Joe NOT SEE THIS COMING?! This will not end well for anyone.

If you happen to know the executive who greenlighted this show, please give him my number. I have a great idea for a new show called, "They'll Watch Anything." Every episode, I'll try to sell major sponsors and the mindless masses on the idea that their social preconceptions are completely wrong. The season will end with the most predictable ending possible, and will reinforce every social stereotype imaginable. But the sponsors and masses will be sooo surprised! The credits will begin to roll, and the show will close on a video of me rolling in the money I just made from all of those who stayed with it all season long to see what happens.

In all honesty, I really didn't watch the show. More importantly, that was all one giant tangent.

Basically, Adam walked into my elevator this evening as I got home from work. He hit the button for his floor, and thus began our journey up in the elevator with another girl who was also going up. So there I am, thinking, "Oh, he gained a couple of pounds." I was also thinking, "Didn't he go to college with me? Or was that his sister? Or did they both go? Should I say hi, because if we did go to the same school, then that would be a nice thing to do. Not because he was on TV-- I mean, I'd say the same thing to a stranger with a Penn sweatshirt on. Then again, he'd think I was just talking to him because he was on TV. What do I say to that? 'Actually I think your show was dumb and I could care less about it; in fact I lost respect for NBC for even making it.' No, I couldn't say that, it would be mean and inappropriate, and I don't want to be either. I'm just tired and want to sleep, so now I don't even care about saying hello, I just want a quick dinner and get to bed at a reasonable hour. Well, maybe I should still say hello. Hey, we might even have some friends in commo--"

The doors opened, and he walked out and turned left, while I walked out and turned right. Down the hall I went, turned left ("I should have said hello"), walked down the next hall, took my keys out, got to my door, looked up, and!!!.....

I got off on the wrong floor.

I'm embarrassed.

Hi Mom

Happy Mother's Day.

Love,
Your Son

A Day Not So Common

Well, today is May 5th, 2005. Cinqo de Mayo. In English, that roughly translates to "sink of mayonaise."

The interesting this about today is that, at 5:05:05 AM/PM, the time will be 05:05:05 05/05/05...

As you might guess, 05/05/05 only comes once in 1,000 years. However, when that date coincides with Thursday (the 5th day of the week), then this spectacular coincidence only comes around once in 7,000 years. That's kinda awesome. Yeah, a little lame and a lot dorky, but awesome still.

Peeing in a Phone Booth

As you can see, many of these posts are just little anecdotes. This post will be no different.
Here's a story from my upstanding, law-abiding friend, Matt. This is how he tells it...more or less:

It was just after graduation this past summer, in Avalon, NJ. The bars closed at 2am, and my buddy Glaz was taking a piss in a phone booth while pretending to be talking on the phone. I needed to piss too, so I took up a position to his left and commenced urinating as well.

Soon after I began pissing on the floor of the phone booth (and a little bit on the walls), cops on bicycles pull up to our booths. Glaz quickly says goodbye, hangs up the phone as if he just got off a call, and begins to back away. I, on the other hand, was blatantly standing there peeing, so the cops ask me what I'm doing. I'm clearly pissing, but decide now would be a good time to pick up the phone. That seemed like a smart idea.

So the cops keep asking me what I was doing, and I say, "Nothing." Now they're giving me a hard time for lying to them, which in my drunkeness, I find ridiculous. And I tell them so.

Then they start telling me that if I give them a hard time, I'll be taken downtown. I guess I scoffed or laughed or something, because they asked me what i thought was funny about this.

I asked how exactly they were going to take me downtown...they're BIKE COPS!

I then suggested that I could ride on the handlebars, at which point they handed me the $150 ticket. Damn it.

And that's why I don't pee in phone booths...often.

George Carlin, on Feminist Language

"When it comes to changing the language, I think [feminists] make some good points, because we do think in language and so the quality of our thoughts and ideas could only be as good as the quality of our language. So maybe some of this patriarchal shit ought to go away.

I think spokesman ought to be spokesperson. I think chairman ought to be chairperson. I think mankind ought to be human kind.

But they take it too far, they take themselves too seriously, they exaggerate.

They want me to call that thing in the street a personhole cover. I think that's taking it a little bit too far. What would you call a lady's man, a person's person? That would make a He-man an It-person. Little kids would be afraid of the boogieperson. They'd look up in the sky and see the person in the moon. Guys would say come back here and fight like a person. And we'd all sing "For It's a Jolly Good Person." That's the kind of thing you would hear on Late Night with David Letterperson!"
-George Carlin, Parental Advisory: Explicit Lyrics

The True New Yorker

The true New Yorker secretly believes that people living anywhere else have to be, in some sense, kidding. -John Updike

Atkins on Judaism

You know what would be ironical? If Dr. Atkins ate bread for Passover.

From "the Onion" Headlines Dept.

A few great headlines from this week's "The Onion":

1. Heaven Less Opulent Than Vatican, Reports Disappointed Pope


2. Pope John Paul II, Longtime Owner of Popemobile, Dead At 84


3. Aw, Who'm I Kidding... I'll Never Top 21 Jump Street
   by Johnny Depp


4. Report: Cost of Living Now Outweighs Benefits
   

   "This is sobering news," said study director Jack Farness. "For the first time, we have statistical evidence of what we've suspected for the past 40 years: Life really isn't worth living."



5. Inside: Spring Fashions So Glamorous You'll Practically Shit Yourself


6. Finally, here's one of the best Onion articles ever (this one's not from this week). Read this, if only for the two headlines: Point-Counterpoint: Nigeria

Shabeena-Related Quotables

Shabeena: "My stupid computer is doing this thing... (describes computer problem)"
Colleague proceeds to literally punch the computer until the problem stops
Colleague: "You see: Fixing computers is a lot like raising kids. Punch them enough and they do what you want."
The things people say for shock value...

This next exchange was relayed to me by Shabeena, who happens to hold the same position in the company as Matt:
Matt: "It's my third day here. Who exactly do I report to?"
Shabeena: "Me, bitch."

Never Underestimate The Sneakiness, Sir

I work fairly closely with a guy named Dan, who has a habit of leaving his wallet on his desk. Today it fell, and upon picking it up, I noticed that besides his assorted credit cards and such there was just a single $20 bill. He had quickly run to the bathroom at the time, so I replaced the wallet to its place on his desk and walked away.

Two hours later, I stopped by, and in mid-conversation made an off-handed comment that I have this trick where I can guess the amount of money in someone's wallet merely by weighing it.

Incredulously, he hands me his wallet. I held it in my right hand, bouncing it up and down. I switched it to my left hand. Then back to the right hand. Then in both hands.

This ritual went on for about 20-30 seconds, and as I gave the wallet back to Dan, I confidently announce, "Twenty dollars!" Dan hesitated. He knew I was right, and he was clearly not prepared for such a low-ball guess. Then he shit himself.

Stuttering and stammering, he begged me to tell him how I just did that. I told him it's something I've been able to do all my life, just like Alex P. Keaton can hear the sound of change hitting the floor and can tell you what the coins are. This cracked Dan up, and thus achieved my goal of distracting him with my clever wit long enough for him to forget about how I just tricked him.

But this is why I like Dan. He got the reference immediately.

Here's some other interesting trivia about the hit series, Family Ties, thanks to IMDB:

• It was never revealed what the "P." in Alex P. Keaton stood for.


• Michael J. Fox added the "P." in Alex P. Keaton as an ad-lib in his audition, the writers loved it and kept it. Michael J. Fox almost didn't get the role of Alex - due to the fact that NBC exec Brandon Tartikoff didn't find it believable that Meredith Baxter Birney and Michael Gross would have a son that was so short.


• According to Michael J. Fox's last "Spin City" (1996) episode, Alex P. Keaton became a Junior Congressman from Ohio.


• One year before playing Michael J. Fox's father in Back to the Future, Crispin Glover played Alex P. Keaton's friend in the episode Birthday Boy.


• Tom Hanks played Elise Keaton's brother Ned.


• Throughout the series' run, exterior establishment shots of the Keaton home were never used in any of the episodes, which is very unusual for a family sitcom. The vast majority of all scenes were played out in the kitchen.


• The cast wanted to end the show with the entire Keaton family dying in a plane crash. They absolutely didn't want to do a reunion show in the future.

I miss the 80's...

I'm Stuck in Rehab with Pat O'Brien

Maybe this is only 15 minutes of fame for "Adam" at an "Undisclosed" rehabilitation center, but this is seriously funny stuff.

Plus, after hearing Pat O'Brien's voicemails, I guess he was kinda asking for it.

They're transubstantialiscious, baby!

Dick Vitale's Popapalooza 2005

What's better about this bracket?
a) That they actually have a Pope bracket
b) That it's sponsored by the new low-carb communion wafers called "I Can't Believe It's Not Jesus!"
c) The fact that DUKE is in the bracket as a 4 seed

Amazing.