Scratching the Surface

On May 30, 2007, Bill Gates publicly announced a new technology called Microsoft Surface, an innovative combination of software and hardware that puts interactive, touchscreen computing into a tabletop. The interface allows users to select and manipulate data with a touch of a finger.

A short teaser trailer on the Surface can be found here, and here is a parody of that video.

Now, here's my question: Say -- instead of Bill Gates -- Steve Jobs was the one to come out with this invention at the next MacWorld conference, with the mysterious Apple press invitations, a website that didn't say anything except show a glowing silhouette of something, etc. He'd have the big presentation with colorful, glossy images, and an opening pitch to the crowd that went something like:

"We've done it again. Yup. The iPhone was able to take an IPOD...a PHONE...and a FULL WEB BROWSER...and combine it into one amazing device. It was incredible. [murmurs] I knew you'd love it. People doubted us, but we're 5 million iPhones strong in our first year, right on our targets. So I knew I needed to give you more. [cheers] And I did [louder cheers]: I present to you, the iSurface! [wild applause, a few journalists pass out]

You're sitting at home and want music? Don't even get up, just use your fingers to browse through your library with our patented CoverFlow technology. That's right! We took CoverFlow from the iPod and iTunes, and put it in your iSurface! [wild applause] I know, it's great!

How about this - you're out at a family dinner with the spouse and kids. The children are getting loud. Well with a few swipes of your finger, they're watching last night's episode of SpongeBob Squarepants, right in the table, giving you and your spouse a chance to enjoy each other's company, in the calm presence of your children. [wild applause] When you're done, the $1.99 episode will just get tacked on to your bill! And let me use this opportunity to announce that the iTunes Music Store now has every. single. episode. of. SpongeBob! [wild applause, men begin weeping] I know, I know, we finally cracked that nut! We got SpongeBob - take that, Beatles!! [continued wild applause]"

He goes on to talk about the seamless integration of your Mac, your iPhone/iPod, the table. The aesthetic beauty of the interface. The metallic curves of the table. The touchscreen that is fingerprint-resistant. He positions the screen as a better iPhone screen ("If 4 inches is good, 30 inches is amazing!!! We've opened the world to you!") If he can convince you to spend $500-600 on a phone, no one thinks twice when he asks for $10,000 for a table computer.

Walter Mossberg of the Wall Street Journal gives it all the stars in his rating scale, and brags about the fact that he has a test model in his home. A new "Hello, I'm a Mac" commercial comes out:

iSurface: "Hello, I'm an iSurface"
Wooden table: "And I'm a wooden table."
iS: "I can do fun stuff like edit photos, watch movies, and browse the web."
WT: "Well I can stand upright, and hold multiple Chinese dishes or pizzas."
iS: "I have a touchscreen that allows the people sitting around me to interact with my data"
WT: "I have a lovely burgundy finish that seals me against water and wood rot."
iS: "Wow, wooden table, that's great!"
WT: "Yep...I know...[depressed]...but you're so much more fun."
iS: "Oh, don't feel bad, wooden table. Can't you open spreadsheets and pie charts?"
WT: "Nope..."
iS: "Oh..."
WT: [silence]
iS: "Y'know, I can do that."
WT: [lights match, sets himself on fire]
[cue jingle, cut to white screen with Apple logo]

And not one PC user speaks up, pulling the Kool-Aid away from the feverish hysteria of Mac devotees and those who are now embarrassed of their boring wooden tables.

Product tie-ins start to appear: Jack Bauer uses an iSurface in the next season of 24, simultaneously conducting a web-based satellite screen for bad guys while eating the Jack Daniel's Chicken and Shrimp at TGI Friday's (you know, for sweeps week: " Tonight, on an all-new 24: See Jack Bauer eat for the first time! Next on FOX! This episode sponsored by Apple). Around the country, people line up down the street from the Apple Stores, trying to be one of the first to show their friends their iSurface. Nations like Iran & North Korea stop everything and devote all of their nations' resources to try and get their own iSurfaces (they can only get the one-terabyte version, while the western infidels have the option to get the $15,000 two-terabyte version). The world exists in a touch-sensitive-table utopia.

Oh, so I guess I had a question. Here it goes -- What's the likelihood that this is exactly how an Apple-designed surface computer would be received, as opposed to the sarcastic criticism of Bill Gates & Co's invention?
a) 100% likely
b) Entirely likely
c) That is exactly how it would happen
d) All of the above

You Are a Grown-up!

Have you ever seen the film I Heart Huckabees? It's not crucial to the story, but just know that there was a movie by that title. The movie stars actress Lily Tomlin, with whom I hope you have a passing familiarity.

With that established, I want you to watch this exchange between Michael Showalter and Paul Rudd.

Somewhat disturbing and uncomfortable, no?

Now watch a very real interaction between Lily Tomlin and Huckabees director David O. Russell, during the shooting of the the movie.

WTF?

Watch the Showalter/Rudd thing again.

Is this not brilliant? This is brilliant.

Rain Over Me

Well this coming week looks supremely craptastic:

Famous For A Fraction of a Second

Who wants to touch me?

Word from the blogosphere today...I'm apparently a media whore.

Pillow Fight 2007

Full Gallery

Simplicity

At work I had to review the profiles of several companies. One company I came across was SportsLine.com, Inc., which was purchased by Viacom in July 2004.

This is the description of SportsLine.com:

Operates web site

That is the FULL description of what SportsLine.com does. That is their business model. I'm shocked they even used a verb. Or words, for that matter. Maybe a photo of a clown would have been helpful, because why not?

TV Dads

Patrick Duffy is the poor man's Alan Thicke.

I Hate Myself for Talking About Britney Spears

How is Britney still in the zeitgeist? Seriously, why should we care about her anymore?

She's not performing, she's slowly and publicly deconstructed into the trailer trash that she's always been but had briefly hidden from the world. The girl is a terrible mother, dumb as a doorknob, and one venereal disease short of simply becoming Paris Hilton's second vagina.

At least Lindsey Lohan sends incoherently crazy emails. We can make fun of her for being a caricature of a human being.

But making fun of Britney Spears for turning out to be a train wreck is like making fun of the rainbow for having colors. Can you say, "Hey, rainbow - be more bland?" Can you grab the mountains and put them in a pocket? Can you tell cupcakes to stop being so tasty?

No! And such is Mango.

Food-Based Discrimination

I love Jewish delis. Their sliced meat is always top notch, their square knishes melt in my mouth, and who doesn't love a Dr. Browns every now and again?

As a member of the financial services community, SeamlessWeb is an indispensable method of ordering food. For those unfamiliar with SeamlessWeb, it's a web-based service that allows you to peruse the menus of many local restaurants and delivery joints, order what you like, and charge it either to a credit card or a firm account.

6 months ago, they had two of the best delis in the city registered: Mendy's and Lenny's. Then mysteriously, Lenny's disappeared one day without warning. No one seemed to have an answer.

As my registered list of local restaurants blossomed with Asian combos, Indian buffets, and those pseudo-gourmet deli chains with those atrocious pre-made paninis, the number of Jewish delicatessens dropped 50%.

Last month, Mendy's was removed from the listings as well.

So today, I had enough. When they come for me, who will be left to speak up?? So I wrote SeamlessWeb accusing them of anti-Semitism as they systematically remove Jewish delis from their listings. I think I used the word conspiracy.

I was, of course, completely kidding.

30 minutes later, I actually received a letter from customer service reassuring me that they were not, in fact, ethnically cleansing their restaurant listings:
"I assure you that there is no conspiracy to advocate the deli chains instead of delis."

They were, of course, completely serious.

Five Years Later

View from Astor Place

Paris is Burning

...in her own personal hell.

The week just keeps getting worse and worse for fauxlebrity, Paris Hilton.

Last week, Paris was denied entry into Bungalow 8 for a private MTV Video Music Awards after-party. Look at the pictures. Those are real tears! She's not that good of an actress! I've seen her movie! And by "movie", I *ahem* of course mean House of Wax. What movie did you think I was talking about? Pervert.

Last night, she got busted for a DUI. Upon learning of this, I think I actually began giggling like a girl. Life usually isn't this delicious.

At this point, all we need is for Paris to be attacked by a pack of stray kinkajous* with poor fashion sense and the trifecta will be complete!

I'm practically bathing in schadenfreude right now.

*Kinkajai? No, I guess I was right the first time.

Wiki-porn-ia

I looked up my name in Wikipedia to see if it would link to anything interesting.

Evidently, the results show my name has a 9.8% relevance to Dar Williams' "My Better Self".

Even stanger, my name has a 3.9% relevance with "Debbie Does Dallas".

I have no punchline, so I take a small bow.

At Least It's Non-Toxic

Here's a question to keep you up all night:
Do you EAT or DRINK glue?

And Boom Goes the Dynamite

July 4th, 2006 - East River

Full Gallery of July 4th Fireworks

Pimp My Conestoga Wagon

Your wagon has reached a posting. You may:

1. Continue to work at a grueling pace with meager rations
2. Stop to rest (and play Oregon Trail)
3. Trade for supplies
4. Hunt for food

You have chosen to play Oregon Trail.

You are 2 minutes away from fun.

Before you have reached the game, your keyboard has broken and 2 speakers have died. A robber has stolen half of your files and 2 cans of Red Bull. Would you like to fix the keyboard?

You have chosen to fix the keyboard.

You were unable to fix the keyboard. You must replace the part.

You are 1 minute away from fun.

You have approached the installation screen. You may:

1. Try to ford the river
2. Caulk your computer and attempt to float across
3. Ask an Indian for advice on installing the game
4. Install it yourself

You have successfully installed it yourself.

You play the game all day and all night.

Your health is fair.

You have lost your job.

You are not eating.

Your health is poor.

You have caught dysentery.

You continue to play at a grueling pace.

You have died of dysentery.

-------------------------------------

Anway, thought you'd all enjoy this blast from the past: A free version of The Oregon Trail. Say goodbye to all free time...

Sincerely,

The Banker from Boston New York

Coming Up on The Ocho

Am I the only one who thinks it's odd how many competitive domino matches have been broadcast recently on ESPN2??

Danny Meyer & Credit Suisse sitting in a tree...

C-U-T-T-I-N-G

Shake Shack is entirely too sacred for a couple of unscrupulous (however resourceful) bankers to tarnish its rep.

This is a slippery slope. We all know the rules of the line. First somebody cuts, so pushing begins. Then yelling. Then tattling. Within minutes, the angry mobs arrive donning hockey masks and wielding pitchforks and/or torches. The witch hunt ensues, a hideous monster with a heart of gold is demonized, someone is burned in effigy, an innocent is trampled, cars are flipped, riots spread, martial law is enforced, babies start crying, the skies go dark, and then in this order: frogs, boils, locusts, American Idol in syndication, and the plague.

This is a death spiral, my fellow bankers, and all I'm saying is no cuttsies, no backsies, or I'm telling.

...And the 10th Blade Might Nick Your Skull

How do you beat the ever-loving crap out of the Schick Quattro? You hit them with 5 blades of pure shaving glory in the form of the Gillette Fusion.

The first time the Fusion commercial came on during a friend's Super Bowl party, I loudly announced mid-commercial that now they've packed FIVE blades into a razor, and it's gonna be awesome! The crowd laughed, because clearly I couldn't be serious.

3 seconds later, they learned how serious I was.

Unbeknownst to me at the time, it turns out that this was an old joke. The Onion, both poignant and prescient, called it WAY early. Almost 2 full years early, in fact!

These guys are good. Really good.

Next time The Onion calls the 2008 election in favor of Soupy Sales, I might not be laughing...

It Really Takes 24 Hours to Stop This Guy?

I need to point two things out to fans of "24":

1. Peter Weller, the guy who plays Christopher Henderson, was RoboCop. Terrorizing L.A. is very un-RoboCop. Frankly, I'm a little disappointed in him. Bad, RoboCop. Bad.

2. Does this look like someone who would conspire against America? This guy couldn't conspire against his own waredrobe:

There Has to Be More to Life Than Being Really, Really, Ridiculously Good-Looking

New Rule:
Fashion models are not allowed to be offended by the "models are stupid" stereotype as long as things like THIS continue to occur.

Do we need to start installing model-proof locks into car doors?